What Do I Call It If I Don't Know If It's Abuse?
Unfortunately, I was stuck at the same awful, tiny school with the same awful, spiteful people for six years. I was a quiet girl and I didn’t have anyone around me who I could proudly call a friend. I ate lunch in silence, playing games on my phone. It didn't last long. And it all started the night I lost my virginity.
I rode horses with a girl who was struggling in high school just like me, and we easily became friends. One weekend she invited me over to her house for a sleepover. We snuck out of her house and went to drink with her boyfriend and his friend, Matt. We ended up at their high school, completely wasted, and climbed the 20 ft. fence surrounding the campus. Once over the fence, my friend and her boyfriend ran off and I was left alone with Matt. We wandered around until we sat down on a stair behind a building. Then, he started to kiss me. He touched my breasts. He slowly reached lower as he looked at me challenging me to say yes - or no. It was all so sudden, and I didn’t want him to know I was a virgin - he was older and I had never got attention from a boy before - so I nodded yes.
Losing your virginity on cold cement is just as bad as it sounds. When he came (maybe 5 minutes later), he asked me if I came too. I looked at the ghostly-white slimy puddle of cum on the cement next to me and his soft dick and said, “Yeah, I did” even though I didn’t, and wasn’t even sure what that would have been like. I never saw Matt again after that night.
There were a few girls at my school at the time that I occasionally talked to, so I told them about my weekend. I had a naive trust in that circle of girls, and I shouldn’t have. They started spreading what I told them behind my back, and it seemed that the tale grew several heads when passed from mouth to mouth. Soon enough, guys started to sit down next to me at lunch and speak to me in the halls. I didn't think too much about it at first, I could have been a freak occurrence - or maybe they had somehow noticed me. I realized it wasn’t a coincidence when one guy Tony in my English class started touching my leg under the table and slowly moving closer to my skirt. I froze, I didn’t know what to do in the middle of a classroom. Not wanting to make a scene, I just let it happen. But then he stopped, grabbed my hand, and placed it on his hard dick and made my hand rub it back and forth. When the bell rang, I couldn’t have pulled away and run out of there faster. He texted me later that day asking me for pictures of my boobs so he “could finish what I started in class”. I was shocked, but at the same time I didn’t know how to say no - this was the first time a boy was paying attention to me, even though it was not the kind of attention I thought was possible. It was then when Tony imprinted in my mind that woman's purpose was to please a man, sexually, even if her needs were not met.
The thing about going to a small high school is that things spread, and spread fast. Even though no one actually saw us in class, I was sure that he told others, because Voja, who was one of the most popular kids in our high school, suddenly started talking to me. The attention he gave me made me feel like I was worth something, and beautiful. It developed into a strange sexual relationship in which I was his personal porn. He manipulated my perception of myself and gave me the mindset that as long as his needs were met, my job was done. Whenever he wanted, I would stop what I was doing and either send him a picture of my boobs or would Skype him and masturbate while he watched. It got to the point where I would take extra pictures of myself, that he hadn’t seen, and keeping them in a locked folder on my phone so I could send them to him if I wasn’t home. We never did anything physical and when we were at school, he pretended like I didn’t exist. I didn’t know what to do - part of me wanted to stop, but a part of me like the feeling of being wanted for something. I kept it secret for three years. Because of him, I entered college with the same mentality: as long as the guy is pleased, my needs don’t matter.
College was different. Guys didn’t want pictures, they wanted sex, so I gave it to them, numb. It wasn't until my end of my freshman when I met the truly honest, caring and loving friends I have today that taught me the value of self-love and self-empowerment. My friend Sadie was the one who finally made Voja stop harassing me, but my best friend Serena taught me how to love myself and that my needs are the priority. Since then, I have found a partner that loves me for who I am and cares for my needs; and friends whom genuinely care about my well-being like I care for them. Relationships are a two-way street that require trust, patience, passion, and empowerment. It took me a lot of time and work on my own mentality to realize that. Don’t sacrifice your own happiness because you are afraid. I made a lot of mistakes in my life by not putting myself first; however, I learned from them and it has morphed me into the person I am today.